… a description of personal experiences leading up to “pandemonium”

I’ve sat down to “write this now” enough times that when I finally actually did open up the computer to get started I was completely not even phased by the laptop shutting off immediately to do an update. It’s been in my head for months if not a year- and in notes in all the different journals I have going at any given time that I plan on organizing ANY TIME NOW, I bought the little colored tabs and everything. This is besides the point because I am taking on FRESH information at any given time- it’s been a wild wild ride for my energy body and the human body not that these can be separated in any way it’s just that the affects are different.

Humans in general have a habit of judgement + comparison and when your life is created revolving around spiritual context this becomes a gray or messy area when communicating with people that don’t see Spirit as something important. What then happens is a judgement around where THEY are in their lives as it pertains to the way they understand whatever it is you are trying to share which is unintentional but creates a very large distance.
This also applies to being an artist- even within other artists, certain people will be ostracized based on their talents or abilities. These other artists don’t realize they are doing it but do notice when the “othered” person is gone because it is generally based on COMPETITION and not TALENT.
After a while, all of this gets very VERY old. It turns into this waterfall kind of thing- over and over things just don’t seem “right” but they’re not really “wrong” persey, it’s the perspective or reaction to it. On one hand- you are where you thought you wanted to be- on the other, you just plain aren’t and there’s not a soul to discuss this with.

Leaving me to my own devices meant me driving all that home to a point of chucking it all into the wind, a process that sounds like it takes a millisecond, but actually took a year to just begin it. I have been making Art for so long that once I had a place of “community” (Workspace Studios) and then I had in tandem another (City Art Cooperative) I was in a place that I wanted- but in reality was so completely unstable I was destroying more than I realized because I was working so hard to just make any little thing happen. All kinds of people were helping me and I was doing my best to do my best, falling short pretty regularly and trying to sell art in the park because I was scared to do it on the street. There were points where it seemed to level out- but see, this was dependent on a very unstable foundation unbeknownst to me. When I was basically kicked out of my studio b/c someone else wanted to pay more I was screwed and not a single person gave a rat’s ass. You’d think that would have stopped me but no, I sunk myself into another studio which I was lied to about by the person I was renting from and THEN was when I realized how bad things were looking. At the time I was showing in multiple places- and had been asked about more, slowly but surely I couldn’t hold down the fort at all because of the complete lack of community in the space.

Then I got a phone call.
The person on the line was an artist friend. He said “Someone has copied your whole series and is selling them at (—– insert uber popular coffee shop—–)” and went further in describing in detail how good the copies were.
Now see, this isn’t the first time someone has tried to copy my work. It’s just the first time it went this far. It was at this moment that I realized it is time. I cannot have a studio. It wasn’t a flip decision either- this call was the seal on the envelope. I have dedicated literally my whole life to making art, figuring out art, all the mediums, art art art and I never one time wondered if I am in the right place until I looked at ALL the turmoil I was causing.
I do not care about the person who copied my art outside of the fact that they must be pretty sad to do that. What I DO care about is where I am in my Spiritual connection and I finally took the hint- I had been buying time for so long that I didn’t even see the time anymore.

(images from 2008 / 2010)

Here’s the flip-side – was that a waste of my life? I fought for Art to a point that I blinded myself which somehow kept me safe in some kind of cocoon. Was this a waste? I love to make beautiful things, to put my heart in, but the way this was happening became nothing short of extending the lack mentality I wanted to get away from. So this turmoil and shifting was 2018 through I am not exactly sure when in 2019 when I left the art studio behind. Can you imagine though working as a Yoga teacher trying to pay for an Artist’s life & studio? These things are mutually exclusive as far as I am concerned at this time.

But I can tell you with firm commitment- selling art is nice but guiding Yoga classes opens the space for fulfillment. Ok but, was it a waste?

No, I can not call it a waste. What I can do is take time away from it and see what naturally moves back in.

Where are we now?

(in this story, not this moment)

I am in realization of making a big huge switch up in my life. I am aware this is going to be a big challenge but I haven’t made the commitment yet.
So here I am terribly juggling rents and supplies, trying to stay in a cooperative gallery while teaching a Yoga class most days and then all days for a while. THIS was nuts but I was walking a line, not ready to split my life in two just yet.
What starts happening next- you would think would make me shift my decision away from teaching at Yoga Studios but actually just solidified my attraction. Unfortunately I am not comfortable giving the details of this except this: There is an invisible list of criteria which you MUST acclimate to in this zone which makes me very uncomfortable.

While all of this is happening I am moving through some very heavy Spiritual work as it pertains to grieving the loss of a large amount of family members very close together. I was closing out a ten year cycle very soon (March of 2020) and I was very focused on this process and I had some plans to work out.

In doing so, getting out of the Art studio landed and I started to do it. This was heartbreaking but at the same time- after all the grief, I just did it, disconnected form anything “art” and we now have a storage space instead of an art studio.
WHAT I also DID WAS commit to my Spiritual existence and to guiding Yoga in a very serious way. This helped my home life in so many ways, I cannot get into it right now, but what I neglected to do was close out the emotions attached to it all which definitely became a part of my energy soup in 2020.
Immediately I started to look at my teaching schedule and shift things around in a way that allowed me to pay the most attention to what I was wanting to share. I started to change the way I looked at teaching, how I could support a sustainable community that is naturally reciprocal (not them paying me- but us all supporting each other). In order to do this I of course saw that removing and creating space was a must- so I lessened my schedule.

By Jan 2020 it looked like things were going to shift in a very positive way for me personally- I even hired a coach, which was a cost risk in and of itself.

By Feb 2020- yeah, I dunno, I honestly can’t remember, lots of inner work going on.

By March I felt clear of the grieving process and that’s when & why I marked my shoulders. A commitment to me- the spiritual sun & moon- all of this set me up for what then happened with my identified with identity, which as it turns out wasn’t so much “me”.

I think inside a week later maybe 2 we landed in Corona Times.

Bring it together faern

Let’s reel this is- what is the point?
Documentation, in a sense, of my moving through an intense series of experiences and landing in the pandemic. Oftentimes what will happen is in a few years I’ll have more of a bird’s eye view on all of this and be able to say more AROUND it. For now I can see that I didn’t give myself proper time to mourn the Art studio thing before Corona and then when I all of a sudden couldn’t teach anymore (online teaching was impossible, I tried) I was in the position of grieving both.

The ironic aspect of this is not lost on me either- to dedicate myself in this way right before not being able to do it. I mean, that’s bonkers but in my life experience, a pattern.
Finishing the cycle of grief was also huge- the ten years, but with all kinds of spice.

I am fully dedicated to sharing Yoga & spirituality

It is very interesting to make this kind of a dedication from my life space, but I did and I still am in that. But to do it right before a lock down- this has some extra umph and I will eventually share this here.

Things began moving so fast, it’s like a snake running from it’s own rattle

For now, let it marinate- what would that feel like for you?
I’ll tell you what it felt like for me- it felt as though I was being called in to the principles office but without something added, it’s as if the fear was of a different sort- is there a word for Fear + Wonder?

Thank you for reading,